“From on high he sent fire; into my bones he made it descend; he spread a net for my feet; he turned me back; he has left me stunned, faint all the day long. Lamentations 1:13
On awakening my body - my bones were on fire! The pain was excruciating until expert hands quickly alleviated it! I couldn’t move because my legs were trapped in boots to aid in their circulation, and immobilized with splints to prevent injury. The extensive surgery had lasted for many hours and it was time for me to be roused and begin recovery, but my spent body was fighting to return to the relief of deep nothingness. Although in a fog, I was grateful to know that I had made it through, and for a brief moment thanked God. Then, despite many blood transfusions, my body crashed. Immediately a team of medical personnel surrounded the bed. Efficiently, additional treatment was given my weakened body as I drifted in and out of consciousness. The hours passed, and with it, my sense of the lonely surroundings heightened. As I coped with pain and my inability to move, night-time found me feeling isolated, frightened and anxious, a feeling actually quite foreign to me. Crying out to God in prayer I begged for relief and solace. Where was He? How could He leave me like this? Then, knowing that I had to accept the place I was in to begin healing, and believing Christ would carry me, I began the journey of allowing Him to do so, honestly not expecting the feeling of peace that came over me. Finally I was able to begin to let go.
The next morning began the task of getting me upright, if only for a few moments. Still stunned from the ordeal the day before, and although multiple people were there to assist, overpowering faintness and nausea hit as I bottomed out once again, requiring additional IV lines and medication to stabilize me for now, a third time. It was then desolation came upon me with a vengeance. I began to wonder if there would ever be a return to who I used to be. Weary from it, and all I had endured the past ten years, tears and frustration were close to the surface all day. Then from somewhere unknown, an understanding slowly came over me that I would never be the same, but somehow I would be o.k. There would be healing of some sort. Things would improve. Slowly, a flicker of hope began to return to my heart and as it did my eyes were opened to those around me. Suddenly I was aware of the eyes of the woman cleaning my room. Unmistakable emotional pain was there that her bright, cheery conversation couldn’t hide. Our conversation opened a flood gate of camaraderie between the two of us as she shared her story with me. The fretful tossing of a new “roommate” tugged at my heart with empathy. Again, our chats reassured both of us and helped us find a bit of humor even, in our fearful and frustrating moments. Gratitude for the privilege of experiencing so much with my fellow man began to fill my soul.
Through our experiences, especially our suffering, we come to deeply understand our unity with one another and to Christ. I had heard that when we share in the pain of others, ours is diminished, and experienced that many times before, but this was different. In the past, my abilities were not so limited; I was always able to continue to physically help another in need, no matter my circumstances. Truly helpless this time, all I had to offer was my ears, my eyes, my words and my spirit, to witness and respond. Recognizing that I was where I was meant to be - a place where God’s work continued despite any physical limitations, I was uplifted beyond measure! It was there a profound lesson was learned. In a quiet place within, a place that spreads its circle without, God’s healing is found. It is there, our journey of healing begins.
Abba! Father! Thank you for carrying us through the difficult times; for the gift of healing inside and out!
Copyright© 2014 Kathleen A. Matson